When her children were young, Wendy Wisner rarely left them with a babysitter and never spent a night apart from them before they started school. Now her eldest daughter is a university sophomore and her youngest son has just started high school. Looking back, Wisner says both have grown into independent young people—and she no longer regrets choosing to care for them herself.
One income made staying home the practical choice
After her first child was born, Wisner reconsidered her part-time teaching job. Once commuting and childcare costs were taken into account, little of her income remained. Although the family would have to rely on one income, she and her husband decided she would stay home while the children were young.
As their primary caregiver, Wisner found it stressful to imagine explaining how to settle the children for naps or prepare the foods they liked. The family budget was also tight, so hiring childcare to get time alone, meet friends or go on a date with her husband did not feel realistic.
The decision was about more than money. Wisner breastfed her children for years, into early childhood, and continued sharing a bed or room with them after they were weaned. They relied on her to fall asleep and stay asleep, particularly at night, so separation was difficult for both sides. She says this close-parenting approach is not right for every family, but it felt natural to her and she enjoyed the time with her children.
Family concerns fed her own doubts
Wisner did not feel a need to push for time apart from her children or have a practical reason to seek childcare. But people around her did not always understand her choice.
Some relatives thought the children should get used to being cared for by others earlier, and suggested that having their mother close by for so long could affect their development. Friends worried that a lack of time alone with her husband could strain their marriage. At times, Wisner says, the hardest criticism came from within. Even though the children were doing well as toddlers and preschoolers, she wondered whether they would eventually be able to separate from her, whether they would keep sleeping beside her indefinitely, and whether she was neglecting her own mental health.
Her daughter settled into college; her son traveled for a week
The years of breastfeeding, bed-sharing and rarely using babysitters are now behind the family. Wisner's eldest daughter has adjusted well to living away from home at university. Last summer, her son went on a week-long trip with extended family and barely replied to her texts.
Wisner describes her children today as well-adjusted, independent and creative, with personalities of their own. She does not suggest that every parent should follow her approach. Her point is that waiting until children are older to hire a babysitter or let them sleep away from home can also be the right choice for a family. In her case, children who once relied on her to fall asleep have grown into a teenager and a young adult able to manage time away from home and travel with relatives.