A friend recently found himself worried about finding a job for his newly graduated son. The young man had earned strong grades and taken part in sports and campus organizations, but he had never held a part-time job. My friend blamed himself for not arranging one sooner. That conversation made me, Amy Conroy, reconsider my own parenting: even though my children had worked, I had still failed to teach them some basic skills they needed to live independently.
I run a small business while raising my children, and I tried to fit in as many practical lessons as possible before they turned 18. When I dropped them off at their dorms, I was still giving last-minute advice in the car: Do not leave your drink unattended. Find the student health center. Sit near the front and introduce yourself to your professors. And stay away from the large mixed drinks promoted online.
Only later did I understand that moving into a college dorm does not mean a young adult is prepared for every part of daily life.
Cleaning: The Chores That Never Fully Changed Hands
The bathroom may have been the most difficult part of independent living for my children. I worried about the potential hazards of cleaning products. I also disliked cleaning and knew the children had no interest in handling a toilet brush. As a result, I never made them responsible for cleaning the toilet. They could wipe down a sink, vacuum and do laundry, but that particular chore remained mine or was left to a cleaner.
I am now trying to fill that gap. Personal hygiene and maintaining a living space are part of living independently, and they also affect anyone sharing that space. I recognize that this is not a task that must suddenly be mastered at a particular age. It is a responsibility that families gradually transfer through everyday routines and household arrangements. I did not manage that handoff well.
Family Loans: Budgeting Is Not the Same as Repayment
During their final year of high school, my husband and I helped the children open checking accounts and talked with them about budgeting. But we did not adequately teach them the importance of paying bills on time and repaying debt. Those habits can affect an adult's credit, ability to rent a home and broader financial independence.
When our older son bought his first used Toyota Tacoma, we lent him part of the purchase price. We agreed that he would repay us in monthly installments, and the amount could be very small. But he later decided that sending $20 a month was not worth the trouble, and the payment arrangement was quickly abandoned. He eventually repaid the entire loan in one lump sum. We did not press him about failing to follow the original schedule.
When our second child also treated a family loan agreement casually, I began to wonder whether the problem was our failure to enforce the terms. Should we have set clearer consequences for late payments? Should we have encouraged the children to borrow from a bank, where the repayment obligation and consequences would have been more explicit?
I still do not have a definitive answer. But I now believe that teaching children how to prepare a budget is not enough to make them understand the responsibility that comes with debt.
Illness: Knowing When to Seek Medical Help
I had often reminded my children to pay attention to their surroundings. I also wanted them to pay closer attention to their own physical and mental condition. Before they finished high school, I encouraged them to schedule their own medical appointments, but I still routinely made decisions for them: Should they stay home with a fever? Should they go to school to avoid missing a day?
During his freshman year, one of my children developed what initially appeared to be a cold. The symptoms later progressed to chest pain at night, but he had not recognized the need to take them seriously. An emergency-room examination found that he had acute pericarditis, placing strain on his heart. He spent three nights in the hospital and then received six months of outpatient follow-up care.
I remember asking the doctor whether the condition was extremely unusual. The doctor said it could be a typical reaction to strep throat and then asked my child, “Doesn’t your throat hurt?” The answer was: “Not very much.”
The experience showed me that being young and active does not prevent a person's condition from worsening quickly. More importantly, children need to learn how to recognize symptoms and seek medical attention when necessary, rather than relying on a parent to decide what those symptoms mean.
This fall, I took my youngest child to a university on the other side of the United States. As we said goodbye, I wished her a good time and reminded her that feeling lonely or uncomfortable at college is not unusual. I was saying the same thing to myself. Leaving a familiar environment can be uncomfortable, but that discomfort may be part of learning to live independently.
The gaps in my parenting did not disappear when my children left home. They did, however, give our family a starting point for learning again—this time with greater attention to the practical responsibilities of adult life.